A sign?

"I hate my life!" I say as I cross my legs and lean back in my chair.

Dr. G, stares back at me stone faced. I look at her waiting for a reaction, but there's none. I sigh and look out the window. It's a bright sunny day, there's not a cloud in the sky. On days like these when I was in Japan, the sky would be filled with dragon flies. I'd walk out onto my balcony and overlook the river that strolled down the mountainside; and I'd see waterfalls, and monkeys, and dragon flies. It was as if the heavens were sending little reminders that life is magical, mystical -- enchanting.

I miss seeing dragon flies.

"I haate my life," I say again with a smile. I know she's waiting for me to elaborate, but I won't out of stubbornness. I want empathy, sympathy...validation.

"Write it down!" I say half joking, and point to her notepad while dictating; "Patient hates her life -- remains optimistic with sense of humour but is feeling despair!"

We laugh and she writes in bold I HATE MY LIFE and shows it to me before we move along in the session.

"At least I still have my sense of humour," I say and stare back out the window again.

"Karen," she says, "You don't have the luxury of living in your feeling brain at the moment. There are serious financial implications to what you are doing; you need to start using your problem solving brain and turn away from your feelings."

We sit and stare at each other for a few moments.

"I know," I say, "It's just devastating to admit that a career I've worked so hard towards is about to concave on me."

I look out the window again, then grab a Kleenex because I feel the tears welling up in the bottom of my eyes.

"It's only temporary," she says, "you haven't failed. It's just that what you are good at -- your industry, is going through a recession."

I start to think about how much money I used to make, and how much money I'm not making at the moment.

If only banks would allow an equity loan on screenplays...

And then I start to think about money, and how backwards the world is. How my self worth is wrapped up in how much money I'm making. Have a house? Successful! Work at Starbucks? A loser! Even though I'm happiest writing -- and have burned through whatever savings and lines of credit I had available to me; I'm worthless to the world...at least, in a material sense.

This world is so backwards...

It would be so much easier if currencies were based on good intentions, or kindness...maybe that's what Karma is all about? Some sort of spiritual currency...

"Can't I use my feeling brain for one more day...you know, mourn the stagnancy of my career?" I ask half-joking, half-not. But I already know the answer.

"No!" she says.

As I walk out, I try not to think about the economic impasse that I'm in at the moment. I look up at the sky and wish that there were dragon flies dancing around to remind me that the world is full of magic; and in an instant anything can happen.

And, as I walk along I see something on the sidewalk in front of me. At first it looks to me like a twig or a small branch laying in the street; but then I notice exactly what it is.

It's a dragonfly. The largest dragonfly I have ever seen. It's the size of a hot dog with a wing span of at least 6 inches in either direction. At first I think it's a child's toy...but as I walk closer to it, I see the wings are slightly vibrating -- it's real.

I crouch down and stare it straight in the face. There are no dragon flies in the city -- and certainly none this big that I've ever seen. It's positively prehistoric.

I wonder what it means? I hope it's a sign for good things to come. I hope the dragonfly signifies that all hope is not lost; not yet. That I'm not a failure. That something good is going to happen soon. That Karma is shuffling her way through the Universe to rectify my economic fallout -- because I am a good person. And good people shouldn't suffer.

In any case, it was nice to see a dragon fly -- despite the fact that I have no idea what it means.