Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Not again!

"Not again!" I say and roll my eyes as St. Peter walks towards me with a Dr. Pepper. He motions for me to sit beside him; and I do so begrudgingly.

"I'm not going back down there," I say and motion for him to unlock the Pearly Gates.

He looks at me stone faced. I know he's assessing just how serious I was when I said that. I watch him watch me for a few more seconds, before I break my gaze and take in my surroundings. It's nice up here. There's no bullshit; no backstabbing. People really care about you because they are a part of you. There's no demons here -- I can actually exist as God intended me to.

Why the hell would I ever go back?

"We had a deal," he says matter-of-fact.

"Deal schmeal," I say and pick at my cuticles. I refuse to make eye contact with him. I don't care what he has to say...I've had it with Earth. Stupid Earth and it's stupid bullshit.

"We HAD A DEAL!" he yells at me. The heavens rumble a bit, so I look up.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I start. Just who does he think he is? It's my soul and I can chose to renege any damn time I feel like it. I hate it down there. It's cold, and secular...and no one gives a shit about you. I really don't see what the big deal is, anyhow? I'm already here...

"Excuse me?" he says and leans back. I think I startled him.

"You heard me," I said and walk over to the gates. I try and shake them open -- but they won't budge.

"Let me in!" I say to him without looking over my shoulder. I continue to shake the gates in case someone on the other side will take pity on me. "Hey!" I yell into the mist in case anyone is there, "Someone...anyone...yoo hoo...."

Peter walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I calm down for a second. He motions again towards the the La-Z-Boys, "Please," he says softly.

I take a deep breath; but I don't know why...it's not like I need to breathe up here...must be habit? In any case, I breathe, walk over, and plunk into the chair beside him. He formulates his arguments and so, in the meantime, I grab the remote control and fidget with the buttons. I might as well have a nice neck massage while I listen to him.

"Karen," he starts "You have to go back down there. It's part of the deal."

"What deal are you talking about?" I start in on him, "I did what I was suppose to...went down...was a good person, blah blah blah. Tried to share some insight; no one listened. Had a brain aneurysm -- and now I'm back -- so wha-at is the big deal?" I say while I increase the intensity of the massage.

"The BIG DEAL," he starts "is that you have a mission to complete. Remember? It's why you went down there in the first place?" He glares at me...well, it's not really a glare because he's all holy and what-not, but it's a really, really, strong stare.

"Send someone else," I say and take a sip of my Dr. Pepper, "I'm not climbing that mountain again...and if you're so hellbent on waking the lot of them up, why don't you go back down there? Huh? You think you're scot-free because you started some formalized religion? Think that frees you from having to go back? Well, guess what mi compadre -- it doesn't. Hanging upside down on a cross doesn't clear you of anything. You think you can make a difference -- be my guest. But I am NOT GOING BACK DOWN THERE!" I say, and slurp on my Dr. Pepper some more until it's almost done.

"This is not good," he says and stands to pace.

"Free will, baby." I say, "Deal with it." He turns towards me, his jaw drops -- but then he regains his saintly composure.

I reaffirm my position, "You know, Peter, I'm fine with just hanging out here -- you don't have to let me in; but I'm telling you RIGHT NOW, I am NOT GOING BACK!"

I put down my Dr. Pepper and cross my arms for emphasis. He starts to speak, so I plug my fingers in my ears, "La La La La La La La...I can't hear you...La La La La La--"

He rips my hands away from ears and pins them on the arms of the recliner. "Karen! This is not my decision. It's not your decision. There are things that are suppose to channel through you. You have NO CHOICE but to go back. Don't you care what happens to them?"

I start to think that maybe I still am possessing some of the selfishness I had while being in Human form. I care...of course I care -- but it's just so impossible to get anything done down there!

Sigh.

"Of course, I care." I say, and he releases my hands.

He sits beside me and takes another silent moment before speaking, "You are very different, I can only imagine how hard it has been for you." He's trying to be compassionate.

I start to let my defenses down. Peter's just doing his job by not letting me in. I'm sure he's not trying on purpose to aggrivate me...or maybe he is?

I try to explain to him how I feel, "It's not that I want to give up. It's just -- I'm not getting anywhere; and you don't remember -- or maybe you do, but it's really painful to walk that walk down there. I'm constantly battling negative thoughts. Every demon in hell is taking a swing at me. I get it; the bigger the level the bigger the devil...ha ha, but the fact is, I'm tired. I don't know if I can even do it anymore." I take a moment to see if he's really listening, which he is, "and that's the truth." I say.

Peter twirls his thumbs while he contemplates a bit more, "I see," he starts and then plays his trump card, "Well, we both know it's not my decision."

He raises his eyebrows, but I call his bluff. "Fine!" I say defiantly and stand from the chair. I brush off some cosmic dust as I readjust my hospital gown. I tie a knot in the back because I just realized that my ass has been hanging out this whole time. There. Better.

"Fine," I say, "It's not your decision. I get that. My bad. I'm throwing in the towel early. Where is the big man?" I say and stare him straight in the eyes so he knows I'm not bluffing.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" he says.

"Yep," I retort, "Let me talk to God."

And with that, I'm transported to the top of a mountain.