I know better

I'm sitting cross-legged on the beach watching the sunset. The water laps up quietly as if to remind me that it's there. The ocean on this side of Thailand is darker. The waters are a deep blue, rather than turquoise. We've been on this beach for a few days now. It's quiet here. The partying to the north on Krabi beach is far far away. It was wise to take a boat ride south for 2 hours and end up here -- on Ko Lanta. Away from the tourists. Away from the noise.

I sit quietly and watch the red sun dip into the water. It melts slowly into the horizon. With each passing minute the sky becomes pinker; then grey. The water simultaneously becomes more orange before turning black. And...within a few minutes, the stars adorn the sky.

Dinner isn't for another hour or so. I've already washed up; long before dusk so the mosquitoes won't attack my naked body in the shower. I like it here, on the beach. Sitting by myself. It's as if I'm relishing in all that God has to offer.

"How was your sunset?" he says as he plunks down beside me. His long legs have a hard time trying to cross themselves, and so; after fidgeting for a minute or two, he resigns to buckle his knees into his chest.

I stay quiet for a moment. I'm wondering what it is he wants.

"It was good," I say. There is no need to elaborate. If he wanted to watch the sunset; he could have done so. He knew I was sitting there. I come here every evening -- unless it is raining.

"That's good," he says back in his thick German accent. We both stare straight ahead for a while. He's been a fairly persistent suitor -- across borders even, but the fact that he has a few girlfriends back home isn't impressing me. And, although I find him handsome and charming; I've got my guard up.

He's the type of personality that I will end up running into over and over again in my life. Intelligent, handsome, charming, and... lacking a certain level of dignity. The kind that needs constant attention from many many women. As much as I enjoy his company, I am rather irked that I keep attracting this same person over and over again. The same person who looks at me with a shrug when they're caught cheating or misrepresenting themselves. They have a certain sense of self-indulgence -- and a lack of empathy, or grace. They are only concerned with themselves.

I let my thoughts drip into the ocean as I plea with the universe to rewrite my love Rx. How many more of these will I have to entail? The result is always the same -- after a diligent chase worthy of a Harlequin Romance, I acquiesce and inevitably, they return to their natural state of selfishness; and I'm left heartbroken and disappointed.

I could see it so clearly with this one. Nice guy. Maybe fun to date. A good travel companion -- but not anyone you can take seriously. I had met him a few weeks ago as I was crossing the border from Laos back into Thailand. He was travelling with a group of guys; and I joined their caravan quite happily. He wasn't shy about his intentions. And, after a few days a romance blossomed; and then soured. And we went our separate ways. But as fate would have it; we ran into each other 4 or 5 hundred kilometers south of where we last saw each other. I was now travelling with a group of girls. He was still with the same guys; but they had a new girl in their camp. A girl from Australia who just broke up with her boyfriend and needed someone to cry to. He had latched to someone else.

I rolled my eyes when I found out. He also had another trait that seemed to be a theme amongst the men I dated; he couldn't be alone.

Sigh. I need to start being a little more selective. The flattery can only go so far...

So, as we sit there in silence, I wonder just exactly what it is he hopes to accomplish? He must know there is no chance of a future; and I'm pretty sure as I revel in my 25th trip around the sun, that I would rather stake my claim on someone that I can see a definite tomorrow with.

I stand, brush the sand off my pants and head back to my cabin. I'm splitting a room with a girl from Scotland who's fun. A no nonsense kind of lass. I tell myself that no matter what he pulls over the next few days; that it is just all a game to him. A quest. I'm an object. A treasure that he wants to capture. And he will say anything to win the game.

In silence, he stands and follows me. I guess he's coming to dinner as well. But I don't have my hopes up. I can't. He's already shown his true colours, and the flattery isn't going to work anymore.

And so, even though my heart always flutters when I see him; I know better. I know his type like the back of my hand. He can't take anyone seriously, because he is unable to take himself seriously. There is a disconnect that suffocates his human desire for a deeper intimacy. His ego muffles a more profound need: to share, to love, and to really reveal yourself to another human being.

And as I walk back towards my cabin and he shuffles behind me, I feel pity. And I hope that the pity I am feeling will not be the oil that greases the gate that I currently have positioned around me.

Because I know better.