Fairy Godmother?

I open one eye and look down to the edge of my bed. There she is, sitting. Her gray hair is bundled loosely at the top of her head. The folds of fat cower over her hips and lap as she picks at her cuticles.

I close my eye and flop back on my pillow. I must still be dreaming...

"Wake up, Lazy Ass!" she hollers.

I open both eyes and sit up straight. The sleep from the night before still clouds my vision, and so I wipe it away as I try to assess the situation: there is a strange woman sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Uh..." I stammer, not quite sure what exactly it is that I want to say. She turns to face me. She looks pissed. I see a little badge on one of the front breast pockets of her shirt. It reads: Fairy Godmother.

"How did you get in here?" I say. I'm starting to get a little freaked out by the situation.

She stands up -- rips the blankets off the bed and says, "Oh, for Christ's sake! Get up! We need to talk," and with that she waddles out into the living room.

I sit there for a moment digesting what just happened, but before I can reach a conclusion I hear her hollering from the other room, "Fucking MOOOOVE it! I haven't got all day!"

Just who the hell is this fat bitch in my apartment anyhow? I mutter to myself as I slink around the corner to the living room. She's sitting there, adjusting her hair. Some little fairies are dancing around her doing maintenance; adjusting her shirt, straightening her skirt, one of them brings a wand over and places it beside her.

She notices me sizing her up. I watch her for a moment. Once the fairies have straightened her out, she puts a final pin in her hair, snaps her fingers -- and some tea appears on the coffee table complete with cookies; and not just any cookies, these were the good ones!

I walk over and grab a cookie before plunking down beside her. The little fairies all sit along the top edge of the back of the couch. They cross their legs and hum quietly to themselves.

I try to break the tension by saying, "I didn't know that you were real."

We stare at each other in awkward silence for a moment before she replies, "You know," she says while waiving her left hand so that the teapot pours out some tea for the both of us, "I've been doing this since the beginning of time." She points to the milk and sugar cubes, but I waive no thanks. One of the fairies flies my teacup over to me, giggles, and returns back to her seat on the edge of the couch.

"Thanks," I say. It's kinda nice to have someone else do something for you -- especially when you live on your own.

She begins to gulp her tea in a very crass fashion. I'm surprised that my Fairy Godmother is more like Roseanne Barr in mannerisms. I would have really liked to have one like Whoopi Goldberg -- or Elizabeth Taylor. That would've been cool...

I let her gobble down a couple of the cookies. The crumbs spill, but before they reach her lap one of the fairies lays out a cloth napkin to catch them. Her frock is saved. My hope is that with the sugar from the cookies, her blood will stabilize and maybe (fingers crossed!) she won't be so crusty towards me.

"Now," she says as she burps out some of the tea. "It's come to my attention that you are having a little bit of trouble fulfilling your destiny."

I sit there; not really sure what this means.

"You know," she says while shifting her body weight so she can stare me right in the face. In doing so, she nearly knocks one of the little fairies off their perch. It squeaks in mild protest, but quickly readjusts itself. The Fairy Godmother doesn't seem to pay any attention to it.

"There's only one of me -- and millions of you single, hapless women out there".

Did she just say 'hapless'? That's a bit harsh. I sip my tea because I'm not really sure where she is going with this.

"You think it's easy, swooping in and saving the day time and time again? I'm exhausted. Look at me. I'm fat -- I used to be skinny. And I haven't had my hair done in centuries. I have more appointments than I could possibly get to in a day -- so listen up! I'm making this short."

With that she snaps her fingers. Two of the little fairies hold out a scroll and it rolls down in front of her as she reads from it in a dry monotone,

"Congratulations. You have been selected from a random pool of participants to have your wish come true. I am your Fairy Godmother. I'm also known as the Holy Spirit, The Universe, Coincidence, and Luck. Just think of me as someone who is on your side. As your Fairy Godmother, I have the opportunity to grant you your heart's true desire. Think carefully for a moment --what is it that you would really like to see for yourself? You can have anything your heart desires. There are no limits. But you may only have one wish. This offer is good for one visit only and is non-refundable, negotiable, or exchangeable. All wishes are at the sole discretion of the "Wisher", herein referred to as "You" in such said contract that is bound and sealed in a verbal agreement on this day at this time. "You" agree that upon completing your wish that your family, employees, dependents, future dependents and anyone that falls under the umbrella of "You" will not stake claim to take legal action against "Fairy Godmother, Inc" o/k/a "Fairy Godmother", "The Holy Spirit", "The Universe", "Coincidence", and "Luck", and should such time occur where family, employees, dependents or anyone under the umbrella of "You" should decide to take legal action -- this wish, and all components, byproducts, and benefits of it will become null and void. As such, we recommend that you keep your wish to yourself, as stated by article 3.1 subsection (f) in the attached Schedule "B" of such said contract, blah blah blah, you get what the hell I'm talking about, right?"

I nod. But just in case I didn't get it she repeats it in blatant terms, "Make your damn wish and keep it to yourself hot stuff."

OK. Easy enough. Make a wish. Make a wish....

I think about what I want most in life. This is a hard one. Whatever it is, in needs to filter out into the rest of my life. It needs to compliment all the other desires I have for myself. This isn't easy. My Fairy Godmother grabs another cookie while she waits. The little fairies continue to hum in the background.

Is that the Jeopardy theme song? They giggle. Cute. Very cute.

"OK," I tell her with a big smile on my face. "I've got it!" I close my eyes, look deep into my heart and make my wish. With that the scroll immediately rolls up and disappears in a pink cloud of dust.

"Very well," she says as she stands up. She snaps her fingers and the tea and cookies disappear. She grabs her wand and *dings* it on my head. A chime rings. The little fairies giggle.

"Consider it done," she says. As she straightens herself out to poof into the next lucky girls' life, she tells me one more piece of parting wisdom.

"Remember honey, it's just a wish. You still have to do all the work to make it happen. And don't even think about pumpkins and Prince Charmings. This ain't no friggen Disney movie. This is real life!"

And with that, she disappears.