Turn that Frown Upside Down

Oh no!

There's chunks of blood in my Kleenex. My nose hasn't stopped bleeding for weeks. I look in the mirror to see what a mess I've become: tear stained cheeks, puffy eyes, tasseled hair. The grief is beginning to carve itself along my forehead. I am officially aging.

I grab another Kleenex and blow again. More blood. This can't be good. I start to wonder if my broken heart is causing my brain to bleed out...

My brain to bleed out...

I read somewhere recently that when you form a negative thought, poisonous thorns form on your brain cells. These thorns secrete toxins which then seep into your body causing anxiety and other stress-related illnesses. The more poisonous thoughts -- the more toxic your body. The way the body protects itself from toxins is to attempt to dilute it by packaging it safely in a water molecule; otherwise known as fat.

I go back to the mirror and see the 40 odd pounds of negative thoughts I've packed on myself. Years of I'm not good enough have caused me to blow up like a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

What have I done to myself? Or better yet...why?

I blow my nose again. More blood. The tears haven't stopped streaming in what seems like weeks. All I can focus on is everything that currently sucks in my life. And, if I don't get a handle on it soon -- I'll be 200 lbs before I know it.

I walk into the next room and pull a photo album off the shelf. I flip to smiley skinny photos of myself when I was in University. I laugh. On the outside I look happy and healthy -- the skinniest I'd ever been. But on the inside I was a mess.

I wonder if the body I have now is the physical manifestation of all the bad thoughts I had back then?

If that's the case, then the solution is simple. Start thinking good thoughts -- and eventually the physical world will reflect that. I'm tired of being a mess. I'm tired of not really living life the way I want to. I want my inner world and my outer world to connect the way they are suppose to.

I go back to the mirror. I pull my hair back and take a good look at my swollen face. I try to imagine the cheekbones I used to have.

I'll get there...

From this point onwards; I'm not going to focus on what went wrong. I'm not going to give any energy to the past -- because I can't change it. The only thing I have control over is laying the foundations for the future I want to have...the future that I was meant to have. The future that I'm going to go after.

I stop my crying and blow my nose again. More blood. I start to hope that the blood is a good thing. That the toxins are releasing themselves -- instead of poisoning my body.

I take a deep breath. I actually am starting to feel calmer. I walk over to the computer and sit down. For years I've procrastinated putting pen to paper. Now, I'm starting to believe it was because I was caught in my own web of self-deprecation and lies.

I start to type. I don't know how or where I'm going with this -- but I know that there is an element of truth in what I'm doing. And, for the time being, it is emancipating me from the feelings of doubt and self-pity.

Instead of crying about who I'm not -- I'm going to start being who I am. More blood drips from my nose amidst the leftover tears, but I don't care. I can't. I'm not paying any attention to it because I have my focus on something else; my future. And this time nothing or no one is going to stop me from being the person that I was meant to be.

I'm done being knocked down.

Turn that frown upside down...