Cat Fight

"Consuela get the hose!" I scream as I run outside, determined to wash these little bastards off my lawn once and for all. They woke me up at 3am with their shenanigans; and so now...now, I'm playing tough.

How many times have I told Gwen to keep her slutty cat off my friggen lawn? Does she listen? I know she has her hands busy with a couple of young kids -- and in all fairness to her, I think she might actually be on tour; but her stupid cat is officially driving me crazy.

"Relaaaaax, Mia" Consuela says non chalantly, as she swaggers towards me from beside the house. She's a little too calm for the current level of excitement -- which can only mean that Jose the Gardiner and her have been smoking the ganga again.

"Give me that!" I snap at her and yank the hose away from her chubby little hands. She smiles at me; completely relaxed. I hate it when she's stoned.

I march over towards the cats that are jack rabbiting back and forth across my lawn. Cats in heat are the worst: the screaming and shrieking is intolerable, not to mention they've managed to knock over everything in their path. These little shitheads have already ruined some of my zen garden; which by the way I had blessed by a Taoist Monk just last week.

"Turn on the friggen water, NOW!" I scream at Consuela who is too stoned to figure out just exactly why I'm standing there helpless with a hose in my hands.

She smiles at me and saunters over to the tap on the side of the house. A minute later....the water finally trickles out. By now the cats have completely ruined one of my Japanese maple tree saplings that I had Jose put in a few days ago. Where the hell is Jose? He should be doing this...

"MORE!" I scream at Consuela. How the hell am I suppose to wash these little bastards off my lawn with a slight drizzle?

Eons pass while Consuela takes her sweet ass time increasing the water pressure. The female cat makes eye contact with me. She's helpless. I feel sorry for her. I read somewhere that the reason the females resist is that the males basically perform the equivalence of a rape on them -- and if that wasn't bad enough; the males have some sort of thorns that jet out of their penis in order to keep it in place.

I shudder at the thought. On some quasi-metaphoric level, I suppose we've all been jabbed with thorn while we were reaching for a rose; but, regardless of how I might feel for her -- she's ruining my lawn in the process. A lawn that I've dreamt about for years. And, I'm not about to let some spoiled snotty cat that lives next door ruin my zen. I've worked hard for zen! Zen doesn't come easy!!!

"Turn the bloody nozzle!!!" I scream at Consuela. My throat vibrates and I can feel my tonsils hitting the back of my throat. I am LIVID.

The cats begin to gain more momentum. They become a blur of fur as they bounce back and forth across my lawn. Saplings snap. Flower beds become ruined. Just as they switch direction and start to tumble towards me; the water gushes out.

"Take that!" I scream maniacally -- still angry from being woken up at 3am from their horny escapades. They scream like Vampires being exposed to daylight; but I don't care. They need to romp on their own damn lawn.

I continue to focus my spray on them until the male cat releases his grip and the female sprints away. She has a 4 second lead before he starts to chase her again.

I stand there out of breath, the water gushing from my hose and my front lawn in complete turmoil. There is nothing zen about my garden at the moment. I signal to Consuela to turn off the hose; which she does rather promptly -- and walk around to survey the mess. So much for the bed of calla lilies. Most of their stems are broken. I think they might be beyond repair. Rocks from the zen garden are scattered everywhere. My Japanese maple will need some serious TLC to bring it back to life.

"Morning!"

Oh no! I hear that ever definable voice from just beyond the front gate. I can already feel the sarcastic smile burning into my back. Go away...Go away...I say quietly to myself. I pretend I don't hear him -- maybe he'll keep walking. I'm just not really in the mood for -

"Change your mind about your garden?" he snipes, sure -- it's funny when you watch it on HBO. In real life; not so friggen amusing.

"Ha ha. You should write comedy." I say half-assed, and turn around. There he is, bald head glistening in the sun. White teeth grinning from ear to ear. I decide to be cordial and walk down the driveway towards the gate -- after all, we're neighbors. I should be neighborly, right?

"Morning Larry," I say as I near the gate.

"Seems to me you need to hire a new Gardiner -- I can recommend one if you like!" he says. He's way too perky for this time in the morning. But then again, he's Larry David. Who says money can't buy you happiness?

"Actually, what I really need is a neighbor who's cat isn't the street slut. She seems to think my front lawn is a kitty brothel," I stammer. I'm still rushing with adrenaline from the whole incident.

"Ah..." he says, all the while smiling. "A kitty brothel. Welcome to the Pussy Palace. I like that!" he laughs.

He would.

"I need to find my Gardiner," I say and turn away. Consuela is nowhere in sight, so I can only imagine that her and Jose are hot-boxing the pool house this very moment.

"Ok, then. Have a good one!" he says and continues his morning walk down the street.

"See ya, Larry!" I say as I head to the back of the house to find Cheech & Chong -- wherever they are at. I can already tell what kind of morning this is going to be...