The Jump

I look all around me. The sky is grey. Dark clouds are rolling in and making the waves turn black. I look down to the rocks below and see you standing there; smiling. You're holding out your arms and motioning me to jump -- but I'm at least 200 feet above you.

Are you fucking crazy?

I survey just exactly where you're standing. Sharp jagged rocks point out all around you. Some of them soar 10 or 12 feet in the air. There is a small clearing where you stand. A miraculous patch of sun shines on you; but I look around to the dark clouds and the angry waves, and I hesitate.

The cliff I'm standing on is sandy -- so I remain a few inches back from the edge. I've been standing here quite a while; a lifetime. Although it's cold, barren, and lonely -- it's all I know.

I've surveyed the horizon and the rocks below for years; always wondering what lays beyond them. The path that you came along curves behind a bend and so; I have no knowledge of what else may be out there -- or who.

Then, on this stormy day, I see you walking down the path. At first I take a step back from the edge so you can't see me. I want to inspect you a bit more from the safety of the shadows. I watch as you grab rocks and skip them into the water. You seem impervious to the storm that is around you. You're happy.

I step closer to the edge than I ever have before. I have to be very careful how I distribute my weight -- as it is only clumps of sand holding it together. I allow you to make eye contact with me. You wave and smile. I hesitate but then waive back -- after all, I'm very far away and safe up here. There is nothing you can do to harm me.

You try to yell something to me; but the wind takes it in a different direction. We stand there observing each other for a while. I'm slightly surprised that you aren't turning around and walking away.

Why are you still here?

The storm begins to approach. Rain falls harder than it ever has before -- and the ground I'm standing on begins to turn to mud. Landslides race to the rocky bottom, and the sea jumps up and swallows them whole.

The water is rising all around you. Landslides plummet -- but you stand firm. You reach out your arms and motion me to jump.

I look around me. The cliff is beginning to shrink as more sand turns to mud before racing to the bottom. I peek over the edge one more time to calculate just how improbable this will be.

You are steadfast. Reassuring. Stable.

So I start to lighten my load -- for it is only a matter of minutes before the ground I'm standing on disappears. I start to remove the heaviness from my heart; pain, despair, regret, anger, and doubt. I throw them over the cliff and watch as they drown in the sea.

I grab some more and toss them; all the while being very careful to maintain a sense of balance as the ground begins to loosen underneath me. I'm certain that if the heaviness in my heart is lightened -- that maybe; I'll be able to land in your arms. At the very least; it will give the wind a better chance to swoop me.

So, I toss away fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity. They all scream as they plummet to their death. But I don't care. They've kept me stranded on this cliff for far too long -- and I want to see where the path leads that you came from.

I make eye contact with you to let you know that I'm about to jump. Even though the waves crash all around you -- I see you become more firm in your stance.

And, as the sand beneath me begins to slide away from my feet -- I close my eyes and step away from the edge. As I fall, I hope that I do land in your arms, and that together we can walk back down the path that you came from. But I know, as I tumble, that even if for some reason I'm not able to reach you -- and the rocks catch me first; I know that the jump is more an accurate reflection of who I want to be. Who I'm meant to be. Because I can no longer be that scared and frightened girl with a heavy heart, who could only sit and watch the storms.