Karma is a Bitch with a triple black belt

Ding! Ding!

The round has started. Somehow, I have been transported into this quasi-dimensional boxing ring to have my ass kicked once again.

The only training I have on my side are the years of playing Mortal Combat 2 -- but that was a long time ago.

There she is - hungry Karma. Foam froths from her mouth. She is obviously really pissed at something I've done again. Either that, or she is now rabid. In any case, I'm toast.

She stretches out her right leg and in full military gravity-defying style; pivots around and comes at me.

Thunk.

She's gotten me square in the right ribs. Bitch. This is not going to be fun. Can't someone from the friggen Prometheus download me a program to kick this angry bitch's ass?

Thug.

Dammit! My teeth. They go flying in a stream of blood that defies quantum physics and land on the other side of the ring. Does she really need to be this nasty? Couldn't a slap on the face have surely done the trick?

Thwomp.

I'm down on my knees. The crowd boos angrily. Obviously they won't be happy until she sticks her hand down my throat and rips out my beating heart. I hate coming here. It always kicks my ass in the worst way possible.

Maybe if I just lie here...

"Get up!" she screams at me. She bounces side to side to keep up her adrenaline level.

Yeah right. I think to myself. As if I'm just going to quickly stand again so you can break my arm or something.

But before I have time to really contemplate it; a mechanical arm lowers from the ceiling and forces me to stand.

Ding! Ding!

I'm not f**king around anymore. I'm done. I use whatever energy I have left to run towards the ropes and get the hell out of this rink.

Almost there...

She grabs me. Flings me back.

Thwoop!

My eyes!!! I can't see. Blood pours out from the empty cavities. What the hell could I have possibly done to deserve this? Sure I'm sardonic, spiteful, I like laughing at other people's expense from time to time...but my eyes?!? That's just plain evil!

"He-e-ee-ellllp!" I scream. But my voice is raspy. I've been beaten to a pulp.

I start to slug my way towards what I think is the edge of the mat, but it's no use. She grabs both my legs and...

Crack!

They're gone! My friggen legs are gone!! I have no teeth, my eyes have been plucked out of me, and my legs are now gone!!! I'm like some friggen ant being tortured by a five year old on a summer day.

Is that what I did wrong?

"I give up!" I yelp with the last breath I have. I'm no match for her it seems.

"Kaaarmaaaaah WINS!" says the announcer. It's the same voice as the guy who does the announcing in Mortal Combat.

I wonder if he is moonlighting here on the side?

She laughs maniacally. I heave. The crowd roars.

It never fails. No matter how ahead I think I'm getting in life, inevitably -- when I least expect it; Karma will rear her ugly head and put me in my place.

Bitch.

Back to Black Amy Winehouse @ Yahoo! Video