The Gates of Hell

I'm standing at the Gates of Hell. I knew this would happen...

"Nice Blog," the Devil hisses at me. He floats around me; and like a two-sided hologram he changes back and forth between serpent and hominoid. "Just what did you think you would accomplish with it?" he snarls.

"Everything," I say as brave as I can. I'm trying to remain focused because he feeds on fear.

"Oh, really!" he laughs, "What makes you so certain?"

I pause, and then say "Well, I must be doing something right. After all, you showed your ugly face, didn't you?"

He doesn't like my snarkiness, but I don't care.

"You," he continues as he whirls around me slowly, "You are beginning to annoy me."

"Good," I say, "the feeling is mutual". I'm trying not to take in the landscape. It's dark; and desolate. I think there are black mountains in the distance. The ground is a tar-like muck, and that is why I can not move from the spot that I'm in.

He hisses in my face, but I don't look away. "I'm not scared of you" I say, "in fact, I think you're pathetic."

He tilts his head back and roars with the fury of a dinosaur. The ground shakes. He is obviously sensitive to insult.

Thwwomp.

I'm now pinned against the gates and my back is beginning to melt from the heat coming from the iron rods. I wince from the pain.

"Not so mouthy now, are we?" he snarls.

"I'll never stoop to your level," I say to him. He brings his face close to mine. I can smell death on his breath. The despair of millions creates an inferno in the centre of his eyes.

"You're nothing," he hisses, "a pathetic loser that nobody loves; and nobody will ever love. You're worthless. You are going no where in life. You are ugly."

I can feel the anxiety start to build up inside me as it has so many times before when those words have gone through my head. I take a deep breath; and let my sense of humour kick in as an act of deflection from the immense pain he has put me under.

"Don't you ever get tired of it?" I say, with full confidence. I don't break my glare. I am not going to let him get to me this time. "You know, having only one card to play all the time: lying to people. Making them doubt what they are capable of for your own selfish pleasure? You've been doing this since the beginning of time -- I just thought that you would maybe come up with something better than that by now. After all, you and I both know - the truth always defeats a lie. And the truth is, you are no match for me; because I am a better person than you will ever be. I am better because I care about other people -- I'm not selfish and self-absorbed like you; festering in misery and hatred and enticing people to join you to validate your pathetic existence" I take a breath, "I feel sorry for you because your days are numbered".

"Enough!" he screams in full agitation.

The heat on the gates increases and I can smell my flesh starting to burn. He brings his face closer to mine and opens his mouth to speak, when I interrupt and say "there are some breath mints in my pocket".

Fire shoots out of his mouth and singes off some of my hair. He reminds me of a bull. Angry and ready to attack. He raises his arm; claws glistening from the reflection of the fires around us, like raw obsidian in a lava pit. I brace myself for impact when --

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Consuela screams and lunges at him full force knocking him down with her swiffer.

She begins to kick him to the ground. Her chubby legs working faster than Bruce Lee. "AAHHAHAHHAHHAH!!!" she screams like a madwomen released from some asylum. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU STEY AWAY FROM MIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she begins to beat him to a pulp with her swiffer. My 4'8" Guatamalan housekeeper is single-handedly beating up The Prince of Darkness -- and well.

I stand there amazed, my jaw drops lower than it ever has in my life. I watch with full dismay and awe as she begins to break his arms and legs, all the while screaming "I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU!" When he finally passes out, she walks over to me. The heat on my back disappears, my flesh instantly heals. My anxiety fades away. I fall to my knees.

"Consuela!" I say almost breathless, "How did you find me here?"

"You no mind, Mia. Consuela iz here to take you home!" she helps me to my feet. I give her a big kiss on the forehead, and use her as leverage to help me walk away. I'm still weak from the mental battle. It's hard to kick the Devil out of your head sometimes.

We're not 3 or 4 meters away when we begin to hear him laugh his evil cackle. My heart sinks from the sound. I try to shake off any fear before it nestles in my heart; but before I have a chance to process what is about to happen he speaks:

"Go on, walk away. It doesn't matter what you do. I'll make sure they all think you are crazy." he says and continues to laugh.

Without missing a beat, Consuela kicks off her dollar store slippers and; using the velocity of her speed to form traction with the mud, her fat little legs race back towards him. She uses her swiffer as a pole vault and with expert precision she lands in his crotch using all 200lbs of herself to create a sharp and deadly angle with the balls of her heels.

Satan screams in agony, and as he opens his mouth Consuela does a one-two high chop kick with both her feet and knocks out all his teeth. Blood pours from his mouth and puddles around his broken fangs that now lay on the ground. She pins his neck with her swiffer and says in her scariest voice, "Yer shut yer mouth asshole!"

He cowers under her. He is no match for the unconditional love that she has for me. When it is clear that he is not going to bother us again, she returns to my side. Together we hobble away. I'm just about to commend her on her bravery when --

A demon jumps in front of us. He glares at us, steam coming from his bull-like nostrils. He tilts his head back and screams with all the fury of hell. Just when I think that we might be done for, he bends on one knee... and bows to Consuela. A white light starts to glow from within his chest and before my eyes I watch as his sinewy bat-like wings begin to grow white feathers. Tears pour out of his eyes as they turn from black to blue. His lizard-like skin begins to take a translucent form. A white light breaks from the black clouds and he begins to ascend to Heaven. The two cords he was previously holding snap as he rises. Each cord was a bondage that he held over two people on earth: a 7 year old boy that no longer will grow up to be a pedophile; and a 38 year old woman that will not kill herself tonight. The black cords disintegrate before they hit the ground and I realize in awe the powerful affect that the love for ourselves and the love for others can actually have in this world.

"Consuela," I say almost breathless, "You just did the most amazing thing!"

She wraps her arms around me and nestles her head just below my chest, "I love you Mia," she says, "An nobody iz gonna stop me from lovin you - even dat asshole, ok?"

"OK," I say. I have the hugest smile on my face -- because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that everything really is going to be better than I could have possibly imagined.