The Scarlet Letter

When I was in highschool a friend of mine was dating a boy who decided one day that he would rather be with me. I was oblivious to any of this since we were all mutual friends. One morning between classes he stopped me in the stairwell with a smile on his face and in typical "movie-like" fashion embraced me with the full rigor of a passionate kiss. I let it happen because I was completely amazed by the intensity of his emotions. The kiss was nice and flattering, and as I walked on towards my next class it hit me: 'isn't he dating my friend?'.

The rumours swam fast and I learned a short while later that he had apparently broken up with her the day before. So, what was this kiss? Did she break up with him and it was simply a means of revenge? Was he using me to erase the pains of rejection? Or did he have this burning desire to be with me?

To be honest, I wasn't flattered. I thought the whole situation was weird. And I was concerned...or rather curious, as to what had happened between him and my friend. So I went in search of her. Through the hallways I wandered -- but she was no where to be found. The typical hunting grounds were empty and the places where we usually convened showed no sign of her. This was not typical.

And then a funny thing happened - I started to notice a shift. Smiles weren't as genuine when they passed me in the hallways. People didn't go out of their way to break from conversations and nod hello. I was being shunned.

Donning my scarlet letter I had a feeling that this boy -- now ex-boyfriend of my friend, had put me in a rather precarious situation.

So here I was at the tender age of 15 or so, already possessing a strength that I didn't even know I had: the boy's desire for me was not a reflection of my self-worth. I was impervious to it. What I wasn't impervious to was the shame of hurting a friend.

I started to resent this boy. Had he no respect for my friend? Had he no respect for our friendship? Just who did he think he was kissing me all movie-star like when it would put me in a very compromising situation?

The afternoon classes passed and my friend was no where in sight. Neither were any of our mutual friends. The clique was missing.

This was not good.

I did manage to run into the boy in the hall (isn't funny how you always run into the one person you don't want to see?) and he promptly put his arm around me -- publicly marking his territory. I squirmed away, made an excuse, and ducked into the bathroom to escape an uncomfortable situation. As I pushed through the door and regained composure I came face-to-face with the angry faces of my posse. Looks of death pierced from their eyes and I knew they were the infantry on guard to protect one of our fallen comrades.

And then I heard it; sobs coming from behind a red bathroom stall door. And I knew the broken heart of my friend lay weeping there inside it.

"You should go," I heard one of them say. I ignored it and walked over to the next stall, stood on the toilet and looked over the edge.

There she was, sitting on the toilet, head down, and knees together in a wounded position. Tears flowed endlessly from her eyes and her nose was red and puffy. She was suffering -- and she had only scratchy cheap industrial-standard toilet paper to comfort her.

"Hey!" I said. But she didn't look up.

"I'm not angry with you," she said. "I'm just hurt".

"I don't like him" I said.

"It's okay," she sobbed in full martyrdom, "if I can't be happy -- I want you to be".

I paused -- taken aback by this statement. First off, it was very kind of her to clear the path for my happiness, but in reality -- how could I ever be happy with someone who hurt my friend? Moreover, someone who had such little respect for our friendship? Movie-star kiss aside, some things were more important.

And so I spoke from my heart and said, "I don't want to be with him. I'm sorry I let him kiss me. It was wrong -- I guess I was curious. But I don't like him and I certainly don' t need to be with him to make me happy".

Her tears stopped and she looked up.

She believed me.

But just in case there was a hint of doubt I reinforced what I hoped she already knew, "but I do need you".