Burger Dreams

What is it about rainy days that make you wake up feeling more tired than you actually are? In any case, I didn't set my alarm this morning. I rolled over -- expecting the clock to say somewhere between 6am and 7am based on the light. When I saw that it said 10:08, I leapt out of bed and immediately rushed to my kitchen. I'm already late and I've only been awake 30 seconds. I open the freezer for coffee. Shit! No Starbucks. I grab my emergency stash of Folgers (begrudgingly) and make it. Race to the computer -- check emails, write to you, confirm meetings. The day is already unravelling off-kilter.

Last night I met a friend for drinks. Old friend. Quiet Pub. Great Burgers. I figured since I've been really healthy and really diligent about losing weight (already down 9 lbs!) I deserved a hamburger. The good kind. Thick and fatty with lots of cheese.

So, like Mama Cass eating her famous ham sandwich -- I also ate a bit too fast and started to choke. A piece of grilled onion (I think -- it could have also been lettuce) wrapped around the back part of my tongue and dangled mid-way down my throat. My eyes bulged. They watered. I'm sure my face turned red. I thought; oh great. Here I am, 32, not as skinny as I want to be with bad highlights; and I'm going to forever be emblazoned this way in my open casket good-bye party. My mother would totally have an open casket viewing. I just know it.

I looked to the right. Then inconspicuously to the left. I was really trying to shake the thing out of my throat -- but didn't want my friend to notice. She eventually did when I was near to passing out. And in complete rude form I stuck one of my fingers down my throat and lodged it free. Success! I will live to see another day!

There must have been something in the iron of the burger - or the copious amounts of fat. Whatever it was -- I had crazy dreams last night.

I first dreamt that an old employer won the lottery based on numbers she stole from me. She proceeded to give me $10, 000 and then paid a young girl sitting across from me $60, 000. I was pissed. But then, somehow, I'm on the side of a busy street and beside the street is a runway (no fence) and planes are landing. Except one plane crashed -- and she (the employer) was apparently on it. I didn't feel bad because she was always too greedy for my liking. But then, I'm about to cross the street and my Ex pulls up kitty corner on his bike. So I turn around to cross back and say 'hello' to him. I walk over and he isn't happy to see me. He looks uncomfortable. He won't make eye contact with me. His eyes are blue - ice blue, instead of their normal brown. He then vaporizes across the street and continues to ignore me (this is the first dream I've had of him since we broke up -- actually, I think it's the only dream I've ever had of him) and then the dream morphs. And I'm blonde! Which is insane because if my highlights are one shade lighter than caramel I look grotesque. But I looked hot in the dream.

And then, I'm in some foreign country and bad guys are executing people with handguns, and somehow I'm caught up in all of this. And in my dream I remembered about a woman who survived a terrorist hijacking that I saw on the 700 Club when I was about 8 years old. They shot her in the head and she had to lay still for days and breathe shallowly until the whole standoff was over. So I lay there. But they stuck a gun in my mouth and I knew I was screwed.

But then, I'm in some sort of Thai prison -- so I must have escaped that situation. And mail comes through the door slot (which is actually my front door) and the Thai toothless mailman tells me, "You have the right to contact your embassy". So in the middle of my execution trial I yell, "I have the right to contact my embassy!" and then someone from the Canadian consulate is video projected (a la Princess Leia in Star Wars when R2D2 let's Luke see her help message) into the tribunal to oversee. And then the proceedings turn into everyone doing tequila shots...

And then I woke up.

So, I don't think I'll be having a hamburger again for a while. But damn it was good.