Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Litmus Test

I have a litmus test of sorts that I apply to all my suitors. Whether the actual weight of it has any merit is really beyond me -- but it is something that I keep in the back of my mind none-the-less. On my dining room wall I have three framed chinese characters that have significant meaning to me. They are the focal point of the room.

It takes me a while to invite/allow a man into my home. My home is my sanctuary. I fill it with treasures and photos that are a reflection of my life. I don't want just anyone having that access.

Now, I'm not talking about "no boys allowed". I consider myself fairly social and have lots of impromptu gatherings of both sexes when the mood strikes. I'm talking here about someone who is trying to show me that they are interested in me.

For me, a simple interest isn't enough. I think I'm pretty interesting. I have an interesting life. A good career. A bevy of friends. A whirlwind of life experiences. I'm cute - despite being a little chubbier than I would like to be. Taking a simple interest in me is not impressive enough.

But if I invite you into my home -- I'm actually saying: look at me. These things are important to me. Do they have any meaning to you as well? I figure the litmus test is a good indication for me to have an idea of where this gentlemen suitor may or may not be at. It's a fairly easy test: three large poster sized chinese characters beautifully framed, and the focal point on the east side of my wall. For me they beg the question what do those mean? Unless of course, he can read chinese. But I have yet to meet anyone (suitor wise) who has (to date).

So there we are sitting on my couch chit chatting amidst a room filled with monuments of my life -- monuments which scream out my passions and adventures. I don't expect him to take note of the little things; like the rocks I've collected from the tops of various volcanoes around Italy -- or the fertility dolls that I snagged while in South Africa. That would just be mean. I'm pretty sure my emotional walls aren't that high.

But the three large poster sized focal points on my dining room wall -- now that should be simple. And yet, one after the other they fail to take notice. In essence, I feel, that they are not really noticing me. And I think my litmus test works on some level.

The lack of deep curiosity about another person is an indication of your intention towards them. I seem to have a real knack for attracting the "let's see where this goes" guy, or "I don't know what I want" man. Both of them come with their own headaches. And so, in an effort to avoid going down that path yet again -- I hope (each time) that at the beginning, when it's all exciting and the energy is electric -- I hope that amidst the whirlwind of possibilities that I have some sense of stability to see if this interaction has any real merit. So I have my litmus test.

Every time I've ignored my litmus test I've been faced with the inevitable slap across the face. So, I believe, on some level it is a red flag as to how serious I can take someone in the beginning. I've learned every time (the hard way) that the level of someone's intentions in the beginning is directly proportionate to the foundation of a relationship -- and it's future.

But sometimes you have to go out on a limb right? And so I did -- going against my better judgement. A litmus test for the litmus test if you will. It was heartbreaking. I ignored my litmus test when I knew I shouldn't because I wanted to give someone a real chance. I did what we all did -- made excuses for the things I wasn't getting in a relationship.

There we were on the day we broke up. As he was about to walk out the door forever he looked over his shoulder and asked, "What do those characters mean?". Holding back the tears I told him, "That one means 'wa' or 'chi' -- the essence of life. The one in the middle means 'love'. And to it's right, that is the symbol for 'dragon', after the year I was born".

If only he had done that in the beginning.


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