The Control Freak

I think if I were more patient life would be a whole lot easier. I can't help it. Something gets on my mind and I need to resolve it right away or the world (just might!) end. Ever since I got into a quasi-fight with my yoga teacher I've been swimming in creative anxiety. Good for the career. Bad for relationships.

And the yoga teacher squabble wasn't my fault. She got mad at me because my hips were too tight one time. Then another time because I wouldn't take my socks off. It was ridiculous how easily I could disturb her chi. She'd look at me; slightly furious -- I'd see her jaw clench. And, just in case it was all in my head; she'd confirm her dislike by smiling good-bye to everyone in the class and by passing me. But I don't care. My Pilate's instructor always smiles at me.

It is slightly frustrating that the very components that make me good at my job make me terrible in relationships. The inner-control freak inside me can never quite seem to sit back and enjoy the ride. She feels compelled to grab the steering wheel and drive it off a cliff every single time. And yes, for those of you who are paying attention, that was an allegory to Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky.

You can't Produce significant others. Could you imagine? How wonderful would it be to put out a casting call for Mr. Right?

Wanted. Strappingly handsome males age 30 to 40. Must have business-like appearance and understanding of chivalry. Please send head shots and CV to...

And, you certainly can't Direct men. How many times have I sat there listening to them say something offensive/idiotic/absurd/cruel and wanting to say:

"Cut! Cut! OK - I need you to say that again ... but this time with a little more feeling, and empathy. Remember your character cares for the person you're talking to. So you should show that in your body language and in your tone. Try again."

Sigh. If only it were that easy. If only I could control the people around me the way I am able to on set. Life would be so much more simpler. Everything would go my way, and I would be perfectly happy all the time! But, God has a sense of humour. So, fortunately or unfortunately, the world and people are not designed that way. Every time I'm forced to bend to someone else's idea of perfection; I grow on some level. So, even though I fight it tooth and nail, it turns out to be a good thing once in a while.

But for those times that I can't bend, direct, or produce the outcome of the situation -- I write. Because in writing you can put any words into the mouth of the person you're trying to resolve something with. You can remove all the bad things they said. You can have the two of you running barefoot through a poppy field on a sunny afternoon. You have complete control. So I write. I resolve the mistakes and regrets of my past, and invariably find some sort of merger between what my heart really wants and what is realistically plausible.