Do what I say, not what I do

It's funny how we can give advice on relationships in a completely rational manner, but when it comes to actually putting it to practice in our own lives we stumble. I've noticed over the years that I'm a very good councilor and friend, but a very bad practioner. My poor heart. My poor spirit. I've trampled them through so much muck over the years.

Last night a friend stopped by. Having just got out of a relationship that crashed and burned a couple of months ago she has begrudgingly re-entered the dating scene. I sat across from her while we drank tea on my balcony and thought: God, I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes right now. It's so much easier to be single than to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone else. I find that no matter how hard you try to maintain your cool - eventually, as with all things in life, the issues that need to be addressed within your inner psyche will start to spill out. Funny how relationships do that to us. Our innevitable mirrors into our own neurosis.

So there we were chatting. Well, she chatted and I listened. It was the typical situation: sparks fly, guy seems interested, she reciprocates, he pulls away. A complete classic. I listened very carefully to what she said and it occured to me that she was doing what I have done so many times in the past. She was asking this new man in her life to make all the right choices for her so she could proceed with the relationship.

You see, he had already sent her many signals of his lack of interest within their first month of dating: not calling regularly, backing out of plans, making excuses for not being available. And the reality is: all this is perfectly fine. After all, they just met. But here is where we all seem to stumble -- or at least I have. Even though she was seeing all these signals she still wanted a relationship. Not because this guy was worthy of it -- but because she desperately needed to make up for the past. Make up for all the failed relationships. Erase the pain.

Instead of setting a standard for herself and waiting to see if he will rise to the occassion, she started getting angry at him for not treating her the way she expected. She had already decided to go "all in" and upped the anti by putting her heart on the line.

So I said to her "don't get angry with him, read his actions and if he's not performing the way you like then you need to make a choice about whether or not you want to see him again". I told her to tell him "I'm not interested in continuing to date you unless we are able to see each other more during the week".

Her jaw dropped. "Isn't that a bit harsh?" she asked. "Nope" I said.

The thing is, we all have needs. Maybe this guy needs to only see his girl once a week. But the truth of my friend's situation is that she needs to see her guy a couple times a week -- at the very least. And she shouldn't settle for less. There is no point wasting her time on someone if he can't bring the same energy to the table that she requires.

Besides, the truth of the matter is; if any man is really interested in pursuing things with you --and you tell him what your standards are -- unless he is mentally retarded, he will rise to the occassion. If he doesn't, then he wasn't really interested in you and you need to focus your attention on someone who is at the very least interested in you in the same capacity. It's a bare minimum.

As we talked she started to feel/think that maybe she was afraid of not meeting anyone else anytime soon. So I asked her, "well, can you do casual with this guy?" and she didn't think she could. "So" I said, "if you can't do casual, then you need to be honest about what type of relationship you are looking for and if this guy doesn't step up to the plate then chances are he won't for a while. If you are ok with waiting, dating other people, and seeing what happens, then fine. But you're not. It's not what you want. So tell him matter-of-factly what it takes to be with a girl like you and if he's really worth his salt he'll get his act together".

The thing is - we know instinctively when someone is or isn't serious about us. The hard part is admitting that to yourself and being strong enough to walk away from a "sort-of" potentially good situation. "Sort-of" doesn't make a very good foundation.

I was pretty blunt with my friend because I didn't want to see her second-guess her worth for another year only to be disappointed -- when she has the opportunity now to set a standard with this guy. A very clear standard. One that he could respect enough to say "yeah, ok, I'd like to see more of this girl and she seems like she has some integrity so I could bring more to the table -- or at least bring more integrity to this dating situation because I now have a bit of respect for her". That's what a mature man would do.

Men want to make their women happy. But it can't be from a place of weakness (ie. whining, crying, nagging). Demands have to come from a place of respect and love for yourself. Calm but firm you should always be able to speak your mind in a relationship. You should never be afraid to lose him. You should be more afraid that he will never change.





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